Thesis Panic
So, there I was, sitting at the keyboard. Finally I’d managed a couple of minutes away from the thousand other things I was doing. Finally I could start my thesis. I had three solid ideas, I just had to pick one and start writing.
I froze. I couldn’t write a word. It took me the better part of an hour to type word one, and by the time I’d eked out some two or three hundred words, I hated every bit of it. Forced. Crap.
What the hell?
How could I freeze? Drafting comes easily to me these days. That’s what happens when you have to do a lot of writing on deadlines. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Right?
Not quite.
It took me a couple of days to figure out what was wrong, but it should have been obvious. I was scared. No, that’s too mild. I was terrified. I wasn’t just telling a story. I was writing my thesis. This was supposed to be my best work, the best story I could tell at this point in my life. It had to have unforgettable characters, surprising yet inevitable plots and subplots, smooth language with moments of sparkle, strong themes and a distinctive spin all my own.
Who the hell could live up to that?
A few years back, before I had any idea at all what I was doing at the keyboard – unlike now when I have an inkling of an idea, but not much more – that was how I approached everything I wrote. Naturally, what I wrote in those days was forced crap that never saw an ending. When I did NaNoWriMo the first time (he said, but has yet to go back and do it a second time), I got through that by following the founder’s advice and setting aside the inner critic.
Now here I was, years later, letting that inner critic go over every syllable before the words were reached the screen. I responded the same way I did then – I froze.
Once I understood what was going on, I had a much easier time letting go and starting to write. I’ve finished a section now that will be the first scene, if not the first chapter (I haven’t decided yet, but I don’t have to).
Oh, and it’s not any of those three ideas. A fourth occurred to me that sounded like a lot more fun. Don’t get me wrong. I like those other three ideas, and plan to write them at a later time. But this one is really grabbing me right now, and the simple truth is that ideas are the easiest part of writing.
This is likely to be my last entry before the January residency (which starts Friday). As usual, I will not be posting from the residency, and will post again as soon as I can after I get back. And decompress a bit. If I can find the time this week, though, I’ll try to fit in one more anecdote from the last residency. We’ll see.
